Admitting is the first step

I have had a lot on my mind lately, and I have no idea where to begin because there are several different things that do not come close to relating to one another that I would like to express. I guess I'll start with this one.. and see where I go, sorry ahead of time if I don't make any sense hahah.

When I was in kindergarten I was involved with a play called "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" and I am sure everyone knows what that is. Anyway I was the middle billy goat (I really wanted to be the baby one but that went to a friend/classmate named Chris, funny how I can remember this...) It got time for me to say my lines, and GUESS WHAT? I forgot them. I was 5 or 6 years old at the time...but I remember hearing laughter in the gym and sadly, it scarred me for life. Ever since THAT moment I have been extremely socially...what is the word...anti social I guess. I have been known to skip school on oral report days, I have even had a few class meltdowns, and sometimes I've repeated myself over and over through shaking limbs and an overwhelming sensation that instead of everyone else being naked.. I myself am...it's not an easy life to live. As a teenager I didn't let this consume my social life. I had friends, went on dates, had boyfriends, hung out with friends, etc BUT to some degree it did effect my life as a teenager too. I started to go online for friendships/relationships and I found it easier to speak with my real life friends over the internet. This is weird to admit because ONCE UPON A TIME I would spend EIGHT hours straight at a time talking to one individual...
It isn't an easy life to live. I have no clue what I am so scared of, and the thought of speaking to people individually doesn't upset my stomach or make me want to hide in bed, but thinking about groups of people really scares the heck out of me. I have a very limited number of friends, sure my definition of "friend" has changed over the years, it used to mean someone that had your back, was there to talk to, you fought with over the STUPIDEST things and made up the next day like nothing happened...now a "friend" is mostly someone you can count on to talk to you when you need a shoulder. I think of all things in my life there are to regret, the fact that I didn't keep many friends is one of them . I realize as an adult how crucial that friends are for your sanity.