Ten years ago

I found out I was pregnant with Saria I BELIEVE the 26th of September, 2000. So, 10 years ago. I wasn't really planning on ever making a post regarding this, but since my blog is now private (at least I hope it is LOL) I guess I will post about it :). I really don't look at it as a negative thing, even with me still being in High School...becoming a mother was the single most important thing I've ever done with my life, or ever COULD do in my life. It worked out for me, and it worked out for Brad, and for that we are obviously eternally grateful, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else. We DID make some pretty selfish choices, neither of us had jobs that could support a child, IN FACT to this day I've never had a job, but Brad really stepped up and was willing to do anything to provide for his child and he ended up joining the Air Force for that reason. I remember graduating HS with a one month old baby girl, and immediately getting married and moving to North Carolina and starting off on our own. It wasn't even scary for me, it was totally comfortable, I just felt I was where I should have been. In fact, I think the scariest thing about it all was that Saria had a cold for the first time and I freaked out about that, being a new mother with a sick baby scared me. Everything just felt right. I remember starting out with just a recliner and a 13 inch T.V., and though somedays I wish we were back to that, I look around and see exactly how far we've come, how much we truly are blessed, and I am grateful :)

Another step in the right direction.. I hope

So my ten year reunion is fast approaching and I have been fighting within myself, I want to go, I don't want to go, I want to go, I don't want to go...I don't really consider anyone my "friends" because I haven't really kept in touch with anyone, and yet at the same time I have a lot of wonderful people on facebook that occasionally talk to me or that I will occasionally shoot a message to. Those people are one of the biggest reasons I've decided that I DO want to go. I know that in the past people were jerks to me, and heck.. I know for a fact I was a jerk to a few people, but I also know that while everyone isn't going to change...that MOST of us have. Sooooo, yes if we have the money, I will be going back to Alabama for a few weeks next summer. I will be alone, which..if you read my previous post you know how big of a thing that is for me, and that is also a reason I want to do it so bad. I NEED to get out of this shell that has been sooo tightly placed around me. I haven't been in Alabama since February of '07 when we said goodbye to my folks and headed up here. Four years is a long time for me...
I can't lie, I really have been avoiding OZARK like the plague everytime I did go home because the house I "grew up" in has been removed so that the little airport there can expand, at least I think that's why...Anyway, it's a really silly reason to avoid the town you grew up in, but to ME...it feels like I CAN'T go back home because the home is gone, and I know.. I know how silly that sounds because even if the house WAS still there, my parents aren't living in it, but I would be able to go drive past it and REMEMBER lots of things. I'm going to do it.. as close as I can to where the house once stood, I will drive by, and I will remember.
Of ALL the vivid dreams I've had in the past ten years, the ones I had of my house that I grew up in were the most vivid. They ALL involved water to a degree too, which I find HILARIOUS since we had a pool in the backyard AND it seemed we had a natural spring or something too because it didn't matter what day of the week, month of the year it was our HUGE backyard WAS ALWAYS WET.

I have also planned (so far with just my dad, but I plan to ask my mom as well) to spend the day with each of my parents, just me and them. I have already talked to Brad about this as well, and I think at this point in my life that it's absolutely essential in my "moving forward, forgiving and letting go" to have a 1 on 1 with each of my parents without the kids there to interrupt or distract. It will give me the time to say what I need to say to them, because I really do NEED to say a lot. I think that above everything else, my PARENTS are what is pulling me to Alabama, the reunion will just be an added bonus.
I think this will be a positive experience, it will force me to grow up, to not be so scared of people and crowds, to form the relationships with my parents that should already exist, and most importantly, to let go..to forgive myself, to move on, and HAVE FUN!!!!

Admitting is the first step

I have had a lot on my mind lately, and I have no idea where to begin because there are several different things that do not come close to relating to one another that I would like to express. I guess I'll start with this one.. and see where I go, sorry ahead of time if I don't make any sense hahah.

When I was in kindergarten I was involved with a play called "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" and I am sure everyone knows what that is. Anyway I was the middle billy goat (I really wanted to be the baby one but that went to a friend/classmate named Chris, funny how I can remember this...) It got time for me to say my lines, and GUESS WHAT? I forgot them. I was 5 or 6 years old at the time...but I remember hearing laughter in the gym and sadly, it scarred me for life. Ever since THAT moment I have been extremely socially...what is the word...anti social I guess. I have been known to skip school on oral report days, I have even had a few class meltdowns, and sometimes I've repeated myself over and over through shaking limbs and an overwhelming sensation that instead of everyone else being naked.. I myself am...it's not an easy life to live. As a teenager I didn't let this consume my social life. I had friends, went on dates, had boyfriends, hung out with friends, etc BUT to some degree it did effect my life as a teenager too. I started to go online for friendships/relationships and I found it easier to speak with my real life friends over the internet. This is weird to admit because ONCE UPON A TIME I would spend EIGHT hours straight at a time talking to one individual...
It isn't an easy life to live. I have no clue what I am so scared of, and the thought of speaking to people individually doesn't upset my stomach or make me want to hide in bed, but thinking about groups of people really scares the heck out of me. I have a very limited number of friends, sure my definition of "friend" has changed over the years, it used to mean someone that had your back, was there to talk to, you fought with over the STUPIDEST things and made up the next day like nothing happened...now a "friend" is mostly someone you can count on to talk to you when you need a shoulder. I think of all things in my life there are to regret, the fact that I didn't keep many friends is one of them . I realize as an adult how crucial that friends are for your sanity.

Sometimes you just have to stop and get on your knees

Today has been a nightmare to say the least. It started out okay, if you consider waking up to 3 kids arguing about who pushed who okay. Saria, Sam, and Ben like to play this game called "Super Smash Brothers"...only THEIR version is not different characters from video games beating the crap out of each other on a platform, it's THEM imagining they are different characters beating the crap out of each other on my couch. I think that Saria was "The Master Hand" and Sam was "Kirby" and Ben was "Bumblebee" (who, might I add is not even a character in the actual game, but kids have such imaginations that anything is possible :P) Anyway, they've been told time after time to not play this game because it's not only dangerous in that they push each other off the couch to determine who wins, but they hit and kick and sometimes even bite each other in order to achieve their goal of being the "winner" What do moms know right?! That's where accident number 1 happens. Ben runs up to us with SUCH panic in his voice, totally FREAKING out "I GOT BLEEDING I GOT BLEEDING!" and blood is just dripping out of his nose. Nothing really worrisome, he gets nosebleeds often, especially if someone accidentally kicks him in the face, which is what he told us happened...


I have to add that I am so thankful that hubby is home because for SOME REASON ever since I have become a mother.. the sight of blood FREAKS me out and makes me VERY nauseated...in fact..the other day we were grilling hotdogs and there was only the tip of the bottle left of ketchup and LO AND BEHOLD when hubby opened the bottle it splattered all over his hand... and THAT even nauseated me because it LOOKED like blood to me...(pathetic I know haha)back to the story..


So hubby thankfully stops Ben's nose from bleeding, I try to comfort him as best as I can from a distance, and all is well for about another hour or two.

Saria and Sam were in the garage playing while Ben was outside by himself (which I have always hated for this reason and usually make one of the other ones go play with him just so he's not by himself.. dunno why I didn't do that today, but I will be kicking myself in the butt for a long time because of it...) Anyhoo, he comes running towards the house and just BLOOD curdling screams of PAIN and his finger is dripping blood. Apparently he dropped a huge rock on his finger.. that was one of two coherent things I could get from him.. the other was "Sam couldn't help me!!" He is so used to having his brother by his side..I think he was more scared that he was alone than of what happened to his finger, and I think that's what broke my heart the most as well.

We get his finger all cleaned up, and hubby bandages it with two butterfly bandages because its a pretty nasty split finger and about an hour later hubby notices it's turning purple..that's when I told hubby he needed to take Ben to the Emergency Room...which is where he's at as I type this. I forgot to mention that pretty much the entire time Ben's finger has been hurt, he's off and on (mostly on) screaming about being in a lot of pain. When hubby took him, his finger was seeping blood, it was purple on the end tip, and it was still split open. He's clearly in a lot of pain, so I hope whatever they do at the hospital helps him to not be in so much pain.


The one thing that really touched me through all of this, was me asking Ben through his cries of pain if he wanted to get on his knees and say a prayer with me. He told me that he did... and he proceeded to say a little prayer and then we finished up with a prayer from myself and honestly, I felt more calm, and more at peace. My four year old son KNEW that a prayer would help in his time of need. I think that little gesture taught me so much. Kids are so wonderful :)

I will have to post an update on his finger later when I know more.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Last night, or rather this morning.. I went on a trip. :) I was awake at three am because Brad was working and I can never fall asleep easy with him working at night. I was so tired, so unbelievably tired from the day before, but because he was not there I did not feel as safe and was worrying myself to a place where I could not sleep. That's when I decided that I had had enough Hulu.com for the day, brushed my teeth, turned the lights in the living room off, took my contacts out, and eventually got on my knees and said perhaps the longest and most heartfelt prayer I've ever prayed in my life. Immediately I felt so much better. I looked up to see our "memory" box sitting on the chair in our bedroom and I grabbed it and started to look through it. You know something absolutely amazing? I was absolutely head over heels in love with my husband before we were married, while we were dating. He kept pretty much every ticket stub from every movie we saw together, we kept silly things like napkins from junior prom (which turned out to be a good thing since I didn't quite make it to my senior prom..), stars that were laid on the table as part of the centerpiece for a JROTC Ball, and pretty much every letter we wrote back and forth to each other. I have the imagination of a child sometimes and when I was reading these things, I was 10 years younger and actually remembering the circumstances and events we went through. Brad had the ability to make me laugh, and not just laugh... but cheer me up in the darkest of moments. He had the ability to make me smile by just being there, he did so many sweet things that made me fall head over heels for him. He stuck with me in times that no one else did, he loved me, and as I was reading these memories...I honestly FELT how much he loved me. That is when the realization hit. I was back in real time, 10 years later, and I realized this man STILL loves me, still makes me laugh, still cheers me up in moments that I really need it. I am so extremely LUCKY!! I have been married to my best friend for 9 wonderful years, been with him for over ten, and though we've had a lot of rough spots in that time, our love is strong, and can overcome most anything. I love my husband so much, and I do not know what I would do without him in my life.

The amazing kindness of others...

I got an "email" on facebook yesterday from someone that distantly I am related to, I've never met personally (at least that I can remember), and I really don't know too well other than being on facebook together but it truely brightened up my day!!! She wrote
"I hope you don't think I'm strange for saying this, but I really enjoy seeing/hearing about all the things you do with your family. You have a wonderful family and seem to be such a great mom. I love seeing the things you say about your husband too, and the comments he makes to you.. it's so sweet."


There was more to the email but it was a little more personal and I do not wish to upset anyone or reveal anyone, but..long story short, it made me realize that...while I'm not hearing it from the person/people that I WANT to be hearing it from, someone that I barely know sees how hard I've been trying as a mother, and a wife and it felt extremely wonderful to read these words.

I realize by no means am I a "perfect" parent, but the changes Brad and I have made recently are really paying off. I do not want to grow old and have the thought of "I did not spend enough time with my children," or "I should have done this more with my children," etc, I am very comfortable right now with the amount of time I've lately been spending with the three kids. We've done things this summer that I will cherish forever, we've also been bored a lot together, but we've been doing it TOGETHER too, and I think that's important. FHE is getting back on track, we've had two very awesome lessons so far, and I plan them each week and the kids really enjoy it. It may not be on MONDAY, or at a reasonable time of the day even, but we get it done. We have read The BFG, The Magic Finger, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, The Witches, The Twits, George's Marvelous Medicine, and are now currently on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as a family!!!
I may not have gone back to school after HS, but my life is not over, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing right now and it feels good. I may go back to school later, for what I have no clue... but for now...I am perfectly content with this path in life. I am very thankful for sweet messages like this and though she may never realize how much it meant to me, she has indeed touched my life and I am thankful for that awakening :)

Summer so Far

We haven't really done anything too exciting because of lack of funds, but we HAVE been to Marymere Falls up by Lake Crescent, which was absolutely gorgeous!! We've also been griling out a lot, which is tasty!!! We don't really have a sit down place indoors to eat as a family so we've been enjoying the picnic table outside a lot. Our garden is coming along quite nicely, I have what I think to be a few cucumbers growing and a majority of my tomato plants have tripled in size since we planted them in the ground a month or two ago. The kids have enjoyed going to the parks on nice days/evenings or the few times that they were able to enjoy the sprinkler/slip n slide. We are trying to plan a small family trip for the middle of September, but we have not discussed our plans with anyone yet because we do not want to get our hopes up and then have something stupid happen like the last time we tried to plan something. Way too late to be up now, goodnight hehe.