Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Ten years ago
I found out I was pregnant with Saria I BELIEVE the 26th of September, 2000. So, 10 years ago. I wasn't really planning on ever making a post regarding this, but since my blog is now private (at least I hope it is LOL) I guess I will post about it :). I really don't look at it as a negative thing, even with me still being in High School...becoming a mother was the single most important thing I've ever done with my life, or ever COULD do in my life. It worked out for me, and it worked out for Brad, and for that we are obviously eternally grateful, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else. We DID make some pretty selfish choices, neither of us had jobs that could support a child, IN FACT to this day I've never had a job, but Brad really stepped up and was willing to do anything to provide for his child and he ended up joining the Air Force for that reason. I remember graduating HS with a one month old baby girl, and immediately getting married and moving to North Carolina and starting off on our own. It wasn't even scary for me, it was totally comfortable, I just felt I was where I should have been. In fact, I think the scariest thing about it all was that Saria had a cold for the first time and I freaked out about that, being a new mother with a sick baby scared me. Everything just felt right. I remember starting out with just a recliner and a 13 inch T.V., and though somedays I wish we were back to that, I look around and see exactly how far we've come, how much we truly are blessed, and I am grateful :)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Another step in the right direction.. I hope
So my ten year reunion is fast approaching and I have been fighting within myself, I want to go, I don't want to go, I want to go, I don't want to go...I don't really consider anyone my "friends" because I haven't really kept in touch with anyone, and yet at the same time I have a lot of wonderful people on facebook that occasionally talk to me or that I will occasionally shoot a message to. Those people are one of the biggest reasons I've decided that I DO want to go. I know that in the past people were jerks to me, and heck.. I know for a fact I was a jerk to a few people, but I also know that while everyone isn't going to change...that MOST of us have. Sooooo, yes if we have the money, I will be going back to Alabama for a few weeks next summer. I will be alone, which..if you read my previous post you know how big of a thing that is for me, and that is also a reason I want to do it so bad. I NEED to get out of this shell that has been sooo tightly placed around me. I haven't been in Alabama since February of '07 when we said goodbye to my folks and headed up here. Four years is a long time for me...
I can't lie, I really have been avoiding OZARK like the plague everytime I did go home because the house I "grew up" in has been removed so that the little airport there can expand, at least I think that's why...Anyway, it's a really silly reason to avoid the town you grew up in, but to ME...it feels like I CAN'T go back home because the home is gone, and I know.. I know how silly that sounds because even if the house WAS still there, my parents aren't living in it, but I would be able to go drive past it and REMEMBER lots of things. I'm going to do it.. as close as I can to where the house once stood, I will drive by, and I will remember.
Of ALL the vivid dreams I've had in the past ten years, the ones I had of my house that I grew up in were the most vivid. They ALL involved water to a degree too, which I find HILARIOUS since we had a pool in the backyard AND it seemed we had a natural spring or something too because it didn't matter what day of the week, month of the year it was our HUGE backyard WAS ALWAYS WET.
I have also planned (so far with just my dad, but I plan to ask my mom as well) to spend the day with each of my parents, just me and them. I have already talked to Brad about this as well, and I think at this point in my life that it's absolutely essential in my "moving forward, forgiving and letting go" to have a 1 on 1 with each of my parents without the kids there to interrupt or distract. It will give me the time to say what I need to say to them, because I really do NEED to say a lot. I think that above everything else, my PARENTS are what is pulling me to Alabama, the reunion will just be an added bonus.
I think this will be a positive experience, it will force me to grow up, to not be so scared of people and crowds, to form the relationships with my parents that should already exist, and most importantly, to let go..to forgive myself, to move on, and HAVE FUN!!!!
I can't lie, I really have been avoiding OZARK like the plague everytime I did go home because the house I "grew up" in has been removed so that the little airport there can expand, at least I think that's why...Anyway, it's a really silly reason to avoid the town you grew up in, but to ME...it feels like I CAN'T go back home because the home is gone, and I know.. I know how silly that sounds because even if the house WAS still there, my parents aren't living in it, but I would be able to go drive past it and REMEMBER lots of things. I'm going to do it.. as close as I can to where the house once stood, I will drive by, and I will remember.
Of ALL the vivid dreams I've had in the past ten years, the ones I had of my house that I grew up in were the most vivid. They ALL involved water to a degree too, which I find HILARIOUS since we had a pool in the backyard AND it seemed we had a natural spring or something too because it didn't matter what day of the week, month of the year it was our HUGE backyard WAS ALWAYS WET.
I have also planned (so far with just my dad, but I plan to ask my mom as well) to spend the day with each of my parents, just me and them. I have already talked to Brad about this as well, and I think at this point in my life that it's absolutely essential in my "moving forward, forgiving and letting go" to have a 1 on 1 with each of my parents without the kids there to interrupt or distract. It will give me the time to say what I need to say to them, because I really do NEED to say a lot. I think that above everything else, my PARENTS are what is pulling me to Alabama, the reunion will just be an added bonus.
I think this will be a positive experience, it will force me to grow up, to not be so scared of people and crowds, to form the relationships with my parents that should already exist, and most importantly, to let go..to forgive myself, to move on, and HAVE FUN!!!!
Monday, September 6, 2010
Admitting is the first step
I have had a lot on my mind lately, and I have no idea where to begin because there are several different things that do not come close to relating to one another that I would like to express. I guess I'll start with this one.. and see where I go, sorry ahead of time if I don't make any sense hahah.
When I was in kindergarten I was involved with a play called "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" and I am sure everyone knows what that is. Anyway I was the middle billy goat (I really wanted to be the baby one but that went to a friend/classmate named Chris, funny how I can remember this...) It got time for me to say my lines, and GUESS WHAT? I forgot them. I was 5 or 6 years old at the time...but I remember hearing laughter in the gym and sadly, it scarred me for life. Ever since THAT moment I have been extremely socially...what is the word...anti social I guess. I have been known to skip school on oral report days, I have even had a few class meltdowns, and sometimes I've repeated myself over and over through shaking limbs and an overwhelming sensation that instead of everyone else being naked.. I myself am...it's not an easy life to live. As a teenager I didn't let this consume my social life. I had friends, went on dates, had boyfriends, hung out with friends, etc BUT to some degree it did effect my life as a teenager too. I started to go online for friendships/relationships and I found it easier to speak with my real life friends over the internet. This is weird to admit because ONCE UPON A TIME I would spend EIGHT hours straight at a time talking to one individual...
It isn't an easy life to live. I have no clue what I am so scared of, and the thought of speaking to people individually doesn't upset my stomach or make me want to hide in bed, but thinking about groups of people really scares the heck out of me. I have a very limited number of friends, sure my definition of "friend" has changed over the years, it used to mean someone that had your back, was there to talk to, you fought with over the STUPIDEST things and made up the next day like nothing happened...now a "friend" is mostly someone you can count on to talk to you when you need a shoulder. I think of all things in my life there are to regret, the fact that I didn't keep many friends is one of them . I realize as an adult how crucial that friends are for your sanity.
When I was in kindergarten I was involved with a play called "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" and I am sure everyone knows what that is. Anyway I was the middle billy goat (I really wanted to be the baby one but that went to a friend/classmate named Chris, funny how I can remember this...) It got time for me to say my lines, and GUESS WHAT? I forgot them. I was 5 or 6 years old at the time...but I remember hearing laughter in the gym and sadly, it scarred me for life. Ever since THAT moment I have been extremely socially...what is the word...anti social I guess. I have been known to skip school on oral report days, I have even had a few class meltdowns, and sometimes I've repeated myself over and over through shaking limbs and an overwhelming sensation that instead of everyone else being naked.. I myself am...it's not an easy life to live. As a teenager I didn't let this consume my social life. I had friends, went on dates, had boyfriends, hung out with friends, etc BUT to some degree it did effect my life as a teenager too. I started to go online for friendships/relationships and I found it easier to speak with my real life friends over the internet. This is weird to admit because ONCE UPON A TIME I would spend EIGHT hours straight at a time talking to one individual...
It isn't an easy life to live. I have no clue what I am so scared of, and the thought of speaking to people individually doesn't upset my stomach or make me want to hide in bed, but thinking about groups of people really scares the heck out of me. I have a very limited number of friends, sure my definition of "friend" has changed over the years, it used to mean someone that had your back, was there to talk to, you fought with over the STUPIDEST things and made up the next day like nothing happened...now a "friend" is mostly someone you can count on to talk to you when you need a shoulder. I think of all things in my life there are to regret, the fact that I didn't keep many friends is one of them . I realize as an adult how crucial that friends are for your sanity.
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